Final Fantasy VII Pathos en Laius
by Avatar3
Summary: Seventeen months after the hit of Meteor, paranoid, Mako-addict Cloud fights to find who he really is and find peace...
1. Chapter One

I had been running for seventeen months, now.  
  
My hands shook involuntarily in front of me, though I willed them to stop. I shook my head, trying to clear the dizziness that was overtaking me. My eyes were bloodshot, my head was spinning, and my body was shaking, and there was nothing I could do about any of it now.  
  
It wasn't the way that I wanted it to be; nobody wants to be addicted. I bit my knuckles, trying to find a way to stop the ringing in my head. Pain had brought me back before; maybe it would now.  
  
The red scratches on my arms were not new. They had been there since my last high, two days ago. They had bled when I created them, but now they were healing slowly, dark red scratches on my otherwise pale skin.  
  
I stopped shaking, the more violent stage of the Mako high over. I shook once.twice, and fell over.  
  
Fell over and dreamed.  
  
"Cloud?"  
  
I looked over at Tifa, sitting beside me, her dark hair falling over her shoulders. The room was dark behind her, rain pattering outside. It was her room, in Nibelheim, the lightning illuminating aspects that I had almost forgotten; the wardrobe, the piano.  
  
I sat up," Yeah?"  
  
She continued to stare at me with her dark, yet luminous eyes. I heard thunder and the wind outside, swaying the branches of the tree I used to climb. So many memories, here.here in the Nibelheim that burned.  
  
Tifa took my hand softly, her well-cured fingernails dragging lightly over my palm.  
  
"What would you do if Sephiroth ever came back?"  
  
The sound of the rain and the thunder and the wind and her breathing was all gone now. Just my heartbeat now, sullen and methodical.  
  
"Why do you ask?"  
  
Tifa looked down.  
  
"Because it may happen sooner than you think."  
  
The sound came back.  
  
I rocked back and forth, beads of sweat forming on my forehead as I tried to calm my nerves. My teeth chattered from the cold that I did not notice around me as I huddled beneath the overhead track. A train clanked on overhead, dulling out the sound of my incoherent muttering.  
  
A streetlight flickered nearby, startling me. I looked toward it, my pupils fully dilated. I glared at it for a moment then stared back at my knees and rocked, back and forth.  
  
He would come back. He wasn't gone. He wasn't gone. Nope. No. Oh god, oh god, ohgodohgodohgod..he was going to come back and take me. He was going to kill me. Kill me and kill Tifa and all the others. He would kill Marlene too. Poor Marlene, just a kid, just a kid.  
  
Stop. Stop, I had to get a hold of myself. I couldn't let it go on like this. I had to stop this and find Tifa. She could help me.  
  
I was in the...what was it? The fourth district? That was it, that was what it had said on the card on the ticket. That was where Tifa was. I found her before, all I had to do was find her again.  
  
I grabbed two handfuls of my hair and sank to the ground, shivering in the cold. I didn't notice the snow on the ground and the cold on my skin as I lay whimpering in the snow. She had found me before. She could find me again.  
  
I scratched at my face, begging for the ringing to stop. I just wanted the damn ringing to stop.  
  
Think Cloud.think. You're in the...the fourth district. One of the last districts of Midgar, and Tifa lives here. If you get to her, you'll be safe. She keep you safe and take care of you and you'll be okay with her.  
  
Get to Tifa.  
  
I got to my knees, digging in the snow for leverage. My fingernails were bleeding from the Mako. Too much Mako. My eyes were probably bleeding too. Slowly, I got to my legs and tried to walk.  
  
I stayed up, and made my way though the softly falling snow down the street.  
  
A car whizzed past me, nearly missing me. I cried out and fell to the ground, crying. I balled my hands into fists and beat at my head. It wasn't going to work. I was never going to see Tifa. I was going to die.  
  
"Cloud?"  
  
I opened my eyes and looked up.  
  
There she was, standing in the snow, her hair blowing in the wind, head tilted to the side and smiling softly. A flower basket was draped over one arm as she walked towards me.  
  
I smiled and sat up; Aeris.  
  
Someone shook my shoulders.  
  
"My God, what happened to you?!" My eyes cleared; not Aeris, but Tifa, shaking me, and looking me over.  
  
"Tifa?" I asked weakly.  
  
She knelt down beside me," I'm here Cloud. What happened? Who did this to you"  
  
I raised my right arm, showing her the bare inside, bruised and dotted with track marks. At her sharp intake of breath, I said," I need your help."  
  
Then, I fell back in the snow and went to sleep. 


	2. Chapter Two

I opened my eyes.  
  
There was a soft light filtering through the curtains on my right, yellow and mechanical. Probably a street light, I thought as I tried to sit up. My joints and back hurt from the high that I had just gotten over, evidently.  
  
I breathed deep and looked at my surroundings. I had to be in Tifa's apartment. Lucky that I had gotten here, given the condition that I was in. It had been stupid to take a hit when I had been on the train; I knew what it would do to me. But I had needed it. I couldn't stop myself.  
  
I needed help.  
  
I scratched at an itch on my neck and check for my pulse. Beating fairly now, at least. That was something to be thankful for. Where was Tifa?  
  
I licked my lips. They were split open from the cold and the Mako and had been bleeding. The bleeding had stopped but now they were sore and hurting. Like the rest of me. The Mako wasn't worth the high it caused; not by a long shot.  
  
If I didn't stop soon, it would kill me. It almost had before, when I had fallen into the lifestream, but now, it was my own fault, my own doing. What would Aeris say if she could see me now, like this?  
  
I lay back down; be disgusted, probably. I could never do anything right anymore. I was too paranoid that he was going to come back and take me out. He was out there somewhere; I knew it. I could feel him in the planet, calling out from someplace dark.  
  
He was there; he was always there, waiting and watching.  
  
I got off the bed that I lay on and stood in the darkened room. The door was ahead of me; as I reached for the handle I heard voices and stopped. Instead, I went to the door and put at ear to it, listening.  
  
"-Don't know why you keep putting up with him. All he brings into your life is trouble, Tifa. He shouldn't be here.'  
  
I recognized the voice. I had met him a few months ago at Tifa's birthday party; his name was Trent; her boyfriend.  
  
"He's my friend, Trent, and he needs my help. You saw how he was, you know he needs me."  
  
"It's always something with him."  
  
I leaned back from the door and frowned. I knew that I was a hassle on Tifa, but he didn't need to point it out. I only had come here because there was no one else that could help me. She had dragged me out of the darkest point of my life before; maybe she could do it again.  
  
I had to focus on who I was, so I could find myself again. Where was I? Midgar, well, what remained of it. The third sector, Tifa's apartment. It had taken me over a week of passage to get to Midgar from my previous hideout in Costa del Sol. It had been three weeks since I had run there, and before that, it had been Corel. Before then, Wutai, and there had been other places, too. Anywhere that I could hide, anywhere that I could run and maybe find a way to live.  
  
But the paranoia, it would always catch me and I would run again. I was looking for a way out, and for trouble as well. I needed something more; but since the end, it had been like this. Me, pitiful and useless, just as I used to be. I didn't have a purpose anymore. What did heroes do after they had saved the world? Weren't they supposed to die trying?  
  
I had lived; so what now?  
  
I rubbed at my eyes. For a while, the Mako had helped me get away from everything. I had thought it to be an answer. It had given me a place before, maybe now it could at least give me peace.  
  
It hadn't. It had just made my problems worse, and then, I had an addiction to feed as well. Then, I'd started to steal for what I needed and wanted, and turned to the streets. I was becoming the outlaw punk I had been as a kid once again. Then, when I had been in Costa del Sol, one high that almost killed me had left me scared, and I went to find Tifa.  
  
I had been at her birthday party, and she had written me letters. I knew where she was, I just needed to get to her. Now I had.  
  
And, I was still lost.  
  
I lay back and closed my eyes. I was so tired from running. The last bed that I had felt like this, it had been at least a year. So tired. My eyelids seemed so heavy all of a sudden. I turned on my side, sighing, and went to sleep.  
  
The dreams came again, but at least this night, they did not wake me.  
  
.Sephiroth. 


	3. Chapter Three

There was a knock on the door in the morning.  
  
I opened my eyes and breathed in the cool morning air for a moment, and realized the window was open. The air in Midgar was a lot different now that the plate wasn't above the sectors; you could smell things now; there was nature in the air.  
  
I sat up and grabbed my head, spinning from the night before. I heard my name at the door and said," Yeah, I'm up."  
  
Tifa cracked the door and peeked her head in," Okay if I come in?"  
  
I nodded," Yeah, sure." I stood and turned to the bed, trying to make it up quickly.  
  
Tifa stopped me, "No, that's okay Cloud, I'll take care of it. How are you feeling?"  
  
I looked to her and responded quickly, "I'm," then I thought for a moment. How was I really? I could talk to her, she would understand,".lousy," I scratched the back of my neck and sat down," I don't know what I'm doing."  
  
She sat down next to me," When did it happen?"  
  
"What?"  
  
Her expression did not change," The addiction. You weren't like this at my birthday, a few months ago."  
  
I shook my head," No, I was. I just hid it better then. I guess it happened about, about nine months ago, I suppose. It could be longer, though. I don't know." I paused," Sorry."  
  
Tifa stood,"For what?"  
  
I looked down, not wanting to meet her gaze," For all this. For relying on you too much."  
  
Tifa laughed," Don't be silly. I told you that if you ever needed me, that I would be here. And I meant it. I'm glad that you came to me, rather then ending up in a gutter somewhere."  
  
I smiled at the irony of the statement; I had been when she had found me.  
  
"You want some breakfast? I was just making some."  
  
I took her up on her offer and sat down at her table in the kitchen. Her apartment wasn't too big, but it was much more than I had had in the last year. I couldn't help but be a little envious as I sat down and looked at the daily paper.  
  
"I heard you landed the lead role in 'Loveless'." I remarked; after it all, Tifa had pursued a career in acting and was well known now for it. She had been in several plays and was now working on larger projects.  
  
She glanced back at me from the stove and grinned," You heard that, ay? Yeah, I did. Trent's not too happy with the hours I'm putting into the rehersals, though I like it, so he doesn't complain too much."  
  
"Still with him, then." I remarked. In truth, there wouldn't have been any love lost between me and Trent if he and Tifa had split. I had met him at Tifa's birthday party, and we had exchanged rather cold greetings.  
  
"Yeah. I know how you two don't get along overly well, and all, but he's a good guy. He proposed, you know."  
  
I nodded; I had thought he might," What you say to that?"  
  
Tifa paused for a moment and shrugged, " I told him that I had to think about it. I don't know what I'm going to say; I haven't really thought about it, and he hasn't asked."  
  
"That's not a good sign."  
  
Tifa threw a look back at me," How would you know, Cloud?"  
  
I didn't say anything for a moment; was she mad at me? I hadn't meant to sound rude.  
  
"Sorry." I said.  
  
Tifa shook her head and sat down," No, don't be. You're right. It's just a bit of a touchy subject matter."  
  
"Why'd you bring it up, then?" I asked.  
  
Tifa raised an eyebrow at me," Are you okay?"  
  
"I'm fine."  
  
Tifa went back to the stove and scratched the spatula on a pan, "How have you been, you know, otherwise."  
  
"Alright, I guess." I surveyed her; she had changed a little since the last time I had seen her. She had gotten a haircut; more layers and shorter, her hair was now," I like your haircut."  
  
She set a plate down in front of me, touching the top of her head with her other hand. She smiled and said," You do? I had to get it cut for the show. It's strange, not having all the weight."  
  
I nodded and picked up a fork. It had been so long since I had seen her, it didn't seem real that I was here. What was I doing, making small conversation? I was a drug addict; I didn't deserve to be here, eating her food.  
  
But still, she had offered. It would be rude to refuse her.  
  
As I began to eat, I asked, "Where's Trent now?"  
  
Tifa sat down with her own plate, picking up a knife and fork," He's at work. He has early hours, unlike me." She smiled," It's nice not having to get up at six every morning."  
  
I felt so useless, without a job and drifting. Tifa was making a name for herself in the world, more so than she already had. She was supporting herself, and she had a bright future. She had a good man propose to her. I didn't have a place here. I was taking up her time.  
  
Tifa was looking at me, her fork halfway to her mouth," Cloud?" She said, her eyes wide.  
  
I looked at my hand, which was shaking violently; I needed a hit. I took a deep breath and put my hands in my lap. This was going to be hard, giving it up.  
  
"Do you think, you know."  
  
"What?"  
  
"You think I need to be put away?"  
  
Tifa set down her fork and scooted closer to me, putting her hand on my arm. I started a bit at her touch and jerked in my back, against my will.  
  
"I think you just need a little help, and I'm here, Cloud." She touched the cuts on my arm," Where did these come from?"  
  
"I-I did them."  
  
Tifa looked at me, and I could see fear in her face. She was afraid of me, now. And that made me very, very afraid of myself. 


	4. Chapter Four

I hadn't realized how tired I was.  
  
Tifa had rehearsals during the day and into the night. She and Trent didn't officially live together, but most of the time he stayed over. When I was there, however, Trent had decided to stay the night at his own place. I should have felt a little offended at that, but I didn't. I was just happy not to have him around.  
  
When Tifa wasn't there, I was usually sleeping. Sometimes I would watch a little television, or read the paper, but I never left her apartment. I didn't want to be out in the world now; I wanted to stay right where I was.  
  
The stable environment was helping me with the addiction. I was only taking small doses now a night, and only to help me sleep. I could feel my need for it starting to disappear.  
  
When I was sleeping, or reading or watching, I was thinking about her.  
  
It had been over a year since she had died, though she was always on my mind. I really missed her at times like these. It had not been too far from Tifa's apartment where I first met her, outside of the reactor, all those nights ago.  
  
When I thought about how easily she could have been killed from the explosion of the reactor, my stomach turned.  
  
I looked better these days, too. After a hot shower even some of the blood began to wash off, and the cuts and bruises on my body were healing. I had looked rough when Tifa took me in; now, I was becoming more presentable.  
  
Tifa would be tired sometimes where she would come back from rehearsals, but there would be nights that she would have had a good rehearsal and was wired from the stage. She and I would talk all night those nights, discussing how it used to be and where we were now and how she felt about Trent and dozens of other things. I knew that she liked to talk to me, so I listened intently.  
  
It was nice to have someone to talk to, after all the months of being alone.  
  
But I still missed her.  
  
It was the missing her that made me think of what I needed to do. I had always felt that out there, somehow, there was a way that I could bring her back. I saw her everywhere, so she couldn't really be gone. If I could bring her back somehow, maybe I could get better.  
  
I was afraid to leave Tifa's apartment, since she had taken care of me. And I was getting over the addiction now; if I left, what would happen?  
  
I was talking to Tifa about her one of those nights that she was wired. Tifa didn't mind me talking about her, as long as I didn't talk about how it pertained to her and me. I never really understood that part, but I think it had something to do with the way that Tifa used to feel about me, and, when we were kids, I her.  
  
I mentioned to her if she thought there was any way that she could come back, and she just stared at me," Cloud, Aeris died. There's no coming back."  
  
I nodded," You're probably right, but what if there is a way and I just need to find it?"  
  
Tifa was looking at me strangely, with a look on her face that could be construed as pity. I sighed and lay back on her couch, looking at the ceiling.  
  
"Her mother was a Cetra, as was she. They were different from you and me; maybe they can come back."  
  
"I think there was a difference between Ifalna and Aeris, you know, as being a Cetra goes. Aeris mentioned to me once that she was only half Cetra. Her father was like us."  
  
"Her father.wasn't that Dr. Gast?"  
  
Tifa cocked her head," How do you know that?"  
  
I sat up and thought for a moment," I saw it in the video reports in the snow village up north, remember? In that laboratory."  
  
"Yeah, I remember now. That was such a sweet little place, too. I'd like to go back there someday." Tifa smiled and hugged a pillow.  
  
"Dr. Gast, he worked for Shinra. Did a lot of things for them. Maybe there would be something in his reports about the Cetra. If he was married to one, then it makes sense."  
  
Tifa nodded, but didn't say anything. Her smile was gone, and she was looking down at her hands.  
  
"I need to find out more about Dr. Gast. But how?"  
  
Tifa looked up at me," Why don't you ask Vincent?"  
  
"Vincent? Why him?" I turned don my side and looked at her, thinking about the somber man that we traveled with. He had worked for Shinra a long time ago, before they made him into an immortal monster that slept in the basement of the Shinra Mansion in my hometown of Nibelheim.  
  
"He used to work for Shinra. I think he knew Dr. Gast personally."  
  
I nodded and stood, "I should go, then."  
  
Tifa looked down and drew her legs to her.  
  
"I'm sorry, Tif'. I need to find out anything I can. I'll come back, though, I promise."  
  
Tifa nodded, but did not look up.  
  
"When's your show?"  
  
Tifa stood and went into the kitchen, me following close behind," Two months. I've saved you a ticket. Will you be back to see it?"  
  
I smiled," You know I will."  
  
Tifa filled a glass with water and leaned back on her sink," Cloud, I don't like you running off like this in your condition."  
  
"Tifa," I said," I've got to. I should leave in the morning. I'll buy a ticket at the station and leave town, and I'll find a way straight to Nibelheim."  
  
"Do you have enough money? I could loan you some Gil."  
  
"No, I'm alright, but thanks. Thanks for everything, Tifa."  
  
Tifa smiled and took a drink, afterwards saying," I'm your friend for a reason, Cloud. I just can't seem to remember why."  
  
I laughed at that and bid her goodnight, once again giving myself over to the dreams. 


	5. Chapter Five

.How does it feel?...  
  
Sephiroth had asked me those words six years ago when I had come home to Nibelheim. Now I stood at the same gate, the same type of sky overhead and the same smell in my nose. This was my hometown, but it was not my home.  
  
I took my first steps into the city in more than a year. This had been one of the places that I had not run. There were too many memories here; too much pain that I would have had to deal with, had I come back. Now, I had.  
  
The city was no different than I had left it. I had not expected it to change; it never had. Things here still did not make sense to me. Why did everyone here claim that there had never been a fire, when I remembered one as clearly as the day around me? Had the fire ever happened? I had looked for the answers once, and I had found most of them, but not all. The fire; that was one of the questions that remained unanswered.  
  
But it was a question for another day.  
  
I looked at the well, solemn and still. All those nights that I spent looking at Tifa and her friends sitting and talking on it, and the night that I had asked her to meet me. She had never paid attention to me as a child. I had tried for her attention, but to no avail.  
  
How different it was now, when she had invited me into her home, and was upset when I left. Everything was different now. I was different, too.  
  
I walked to the mansion, not far away, and reached for the gate. It creaked as I opened it, and closed of its own accord after I walked through.  
  
The mansion loomed in front of me, and I stepped up to the door without hesitation. My life had fallen apart here before, but not now. And never again.  
  
I was not sure if Vincent was here, but this had been when I had found him to start with. If he was not here, I had no idea where he could be.  
  
I creaked open the door and was hit by the musty smell of mothballs and dust. The age of the house was betrayed by its interiors; well kept, though unused, and coated in dust.  
  
My footsteps left gleaming prints on the hardwood floor, the sole of my boot imprinting in the filth. I walked to the center of the sitting area and looked around. A dove fluttered at a broken window, flying to the rafters to join its mate. Its black eyes stared at me as it trotted along the beam, clucking and cooing as it did so.  
  
I stared at it for a moment and then redirected my attention to the stairway. A few more steps had fallen through, leaving it more dangerous than it had been previously.  
  
I trekked my way up them carefully, making sure not to put my foot anyplace that seemed weak or dangerous. I reached the top of the stair and looked down the hallway.  
  
Darkness met me, sailing in and out of the doorways, the crisp, aged curtains, and the sunken chairs. I took a step and heard something scuttle across the floor. The door to the room that led to the basement was to the right.  
  
I took my way carefully, listening to the sounds of the house. There were things here other than dust and creaks; things that I had to be cautious of.  
  
The room was much the same as it had been left. But as I looked down, I noticed that there was another pair of footprints, other than mine. I looked up quickly and listened.  
  
I could not hear anything, but I knew I was not alone in this house.  
  
I went to the door to the basement, encased in the outcropping wall of metal. I reached my hand out a pushed the door back. It slid into the wall slowly, revealing the wooden staircase that wound its way around the walls and down.  
  
I began to make my way down as quietly as I could, but the stairs creaked with my every step. The staircase was old, and rotted in some places. It held, however, as I made my way down.  
  
I heard voices as I reached the bottom level. It was a clear, distinct and cold, " Get OUT!"  
  
I stopped at the entrance to the basement, bats fluttering in the ceiling crevasses. The door to the study was open, with light pouring out. The door to Vincent's lair was also swung open, though only darkness could be seen.  
  
"Get out!" Came again," OUT!"  
  
I walked to the room with light and heard the shuffling of papers," Be quiet, already," Came a voice," I'm almost done."  
  
I knew that voice.  
  
"Reno?"  
  
"Get OUT!"  
  
Reno, formerly of the Turks of Shinra, stood in he doorway to the study. He held a stack of papers in one hand and two books in the other," Well, well, if it ain't old Cloud Strife."  
  
"Get OUT!"  
  
Reno grimace and threw a look to Vincent's lain," Could you please get him to shut up? You know him, don't you?"  
  
"Why should he listen to me?" I asked," He obviously doesn't want you here."  
  
"I'll be done in a moment," He said, stepping back into the study.  
  
"What are you doing?" I asked as I followed Reno into the study. Papers and books were strewn about the place haphazardly. He was obviously looking for something.  
  
"Checkin' up on Shinra's supply of research information."  
  
"I heard that you were still a part of the so-called Shinra." I replied, sitting on the top of a pile of books.  
  
"Well, it's not what it used to be. I heard you were a no-class drug addict now, so how about that?"  
  
I shrugged," Aren't we all?"  
  
Reno smiled vindictively, dropping the books he had been carrying," I guess in this day and age everyone is. Even the innocent ones. I know I tip back on the sake' a few more times than's necessary."  
  
"Get OUT!"  
  
"That's starting to get a ring to it," Reno said sarcastically. He sighed as he dropped the papers on a nearby pie and looked around,"Well, nothing important seems to be missing, and I found what I came here for." He looked at me," But what are you doing here?"  
  
"Searching for answers."  
  
Reno arched a brow, but did not pursue the subject. Instead he asked," How's your friend; the hot one?"  
  
"Tifa?"  
  
"Yeah, that's her."  
  
"She's starring in 'Loveless' in a few weeks."  
  
"Is she now? Well, I may have to just go see that." He said. He paused for a moment, then started to walk out.  
  
"You know," He said, exiting," If you ever wanted back with the company, things are different now. We could use you."  
  
"'Use' me is correct. I don't think so, Reno."  
  
He shrugged, and a yell came again," OUT!"  
  
"Alright, alright, I'm going! Late', Cloud." I nodded and stood once he was gone. For a moment, I stood in silence, and then I went to the door of the other room.  
  
"Vincent?" I called.  
  
I saw a gleam of cat-like eyes," What? What are you doing here?"  
  
I took a step into the room and said, " I want to know more about Dr. Gast Did you know him?"  
  
"Sure, I knew him." He came toward me, his face slowly coming into focus.  
  
Grinning, and showing his fangs, he said, "He killed me." 


End file.
